As I think about how to even start the process of reflection. I find myself trying to search back. Looking to the past for reflection.
Searching back for me isn’t all happy memories. I know for most of us that’s the case. We all have our skeletons in our closet.
But for me… It takes me back to a time when I was a victim. Being a victim to me validates some sort of weakness. I’ve never been able to overcome the fact that it showed a weaker side. Michelle weak… Never.
But what part of this… Has grown into some sort of insecurity or manifested as something greater?
I would say that most of my family and friends know me as a very bullheaded type of woman. It’s black or it’s white… This is the way I see the world. I understand there’s always a little gray every now and then… But I don’t like it. I don’t want to like it. What part of this demeanor is from me being afraid of being weak? Is it even important for me to understand if my fear of weakness is caused by my outlook on life? Or do I just push forward, understanding that life is not ” Black and white”… and I will need to adjust to this way of thinking? It is like Change… it happens. But I don’t like change. I need to be positive… what am I going to get out of digging up the past… or as I said before… ” Looking to the past for reflection”.
As I was driving from my husbands office today… I was listening to NPR ( my radio of choice) and I found myself listening more to my thoughts than the radio. I was thinking about the positives of not wanting to be weak? But also feeling the fear of ever going back to the place when I was.
Being a victim is not an easy role. I know, some of you would disagree with this. It seems some people thrive off of this victim role and it just comes so easily. I would agree, for some… It is a way of life. It is who they allow themselves to become. But for me… This role was embarrassing, shameful, depressing, and hurtful. It was dark, scary and lonely. I was in a situation… I had never prepared myself for. I called everything into question. God, my family life, myself, and pretty much everyone in the world. I didn’t trust anyone… I feared everyone had a hidden agenda. Could you imagine living life scared to trust people. I feared that the life I was given was my destiny. That I was living this life because of reaping some poor decision I had made. The more I thought about it, the more I couldn’t come up with a good reason. Not only that, but I grew up in the perfect scenario. My parents were both strong individuals. They were both committed to each other and all of their children. My sister were my best friends, not in every moment but the majority. I wasn’t a young girl who had a troubled childhood… Who ended up finding a guy who was everything but good to her. A women who might have been fatherless with a statistic hanging over her head about ending up with bad men. I was a young, strong… Maybe a little naive girl… Who had fallen in love with the wrong man, in the wrong circumstances.
Once I found myself out of this situation and in a place of healing, I wasn’t just a young girl anymore… But a mother. A mother who was now becoming stronger with every breath that my little boy took. Being a victim wasn’t something I wanted to “own”. It was something I wanted to leave behind. I wanted more… I wanted what I deserved and what my child deserved in life.
I pushed all of those feelings I had at the time and moved past them. When I say “moved past them”… I actually mean… Brushed all of the real hatred I had, the forgiveness that was thought about, the loss of a marriage, and the insecurities under the rug. This is my favorite place to put things I don’t want to deal with… Ha ha! 🙂
By doing this, I was able to leave the rug and be someone new. At least that’s what I thought. And for the most part… It worked.
Things have come up in the past 9 years. I was forced to take on some of these feelings to move past them for bigger reasons then myself. And some of these things I chose not to overcome and relationships were lost.
Fortunately, I have an incredible husband of 2 years now… Who fights those things with me! There is something amazing about that! I am thankful everyday for him.
With all that said…as we all know… The hardest part of being a victim is forgiveness.
How do I reflect on “true forgiveness” in this situation?
So many years have past and I am aware and true to myself in acknowledging that my years of troubled waters have changed me and it will make moments harder. But I face them head on and work on those insecurities. Because the truth is, I might have been placed in a victims role, but that doesn’t make me a victim. I chose not to be and I believe that is what saved me.
What do I do with this knowledge and how does this help me with my reflection process? Can I move on without true forgiveness? Or is this my first real step in the process?
A conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment toward a person or group whom has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.
… Hmm. Sounds like I need to keep researching….
“Just as important as defining what forgiveness is, though, is understanding what forgiveness is not! ” (www.greatergood.berkely.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition)
Hmm… Now we are getting somewhere!
It looks like I need to reflect on forgiveness in this situation and really discover what that means for me and for my journey!